Ville

Omg but psilocybin is a drug! And? So is caffeine and alcohol, the ones that you are so dependent of to have fun at celebrations and to start your day in the morning.

My grandma told me once that “Do not eat those white mushrooms or else you end up in damnation!” She was probably just protective. And I wonder if she had tried them and had a bad experience, or “a bad trip” as they call it? Hmm. Well, the white mushrooms were probably deadly.

I didn’t like my grandma particularly. But having taken the shrooms, I experienced letting go. I let go of the negative thoughts I built around her character. She was, actually, pretty wise and decent person! While she was afraid of big many things, it didn’t stop her from enjoying and laughing at the little things. She left me with grandma-energy for which I am grateful for.

Perhaps this is the “lesson learned”; To let go. What is it to let go? Here are some that I observed letting go.

• Wanting to be in control of your “ego” and to not lose the touch to reality,
• Wanting good things and avoid bad things,
• Wanting to grasp to feelings, thoughts, and sensations,
• Letting go of expectations of other people,
• Avoiding the thought of death

Mind you that letting go is a verb, and a continuous process. It is not a noun, an end goal that can be reached per se. Letting go has to be exercised all the time. This is why all these were observations that I am still making, but with a bit more clarity and awareness whenever they pop up.

And indeed; whatever your expectations are of the “trip”, they shall determine the quality and the content of the trip. More to the point: let go! Anicca. Impermanence. Just observe. This is the analytical approach learned through Vipassana that I had toward the psilocybin experience. I didn’t take the shrooms for recreational purposes, but purely out of scientific curiosity for the inner workings of my mind and the substance itself.

⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉⧉
➰ ({ the trip }) ➰
⌇∴˚⁂✺𓂀𓆩𓆙𓈗𓋹𓂀✺⁂˚∴⌇
⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌⇋⇌

What happened exactly when I took the shrooms? It is hard to paint an overall picture of the experience in words. It was an experience to be experienced, not to be told. Words wouldn’t do justice. What is it like to be rich, lose parents, and to be a bat? Hard to say. Maybe Batman knows. Those who know, know.

But I’ll try anyway: I became a child again in awe of everything around me, colours vibrant and sharp. Sense of time changed radically. It is an ‘altered state of consciousness’ where the interaction of the mind and matter dissolves “ego” with the “other”. Everything around me and in me was beautiful and mesmerising. I didn’t know if I wanted to open my eyes or keep them closed; both worlds were rich with fascinating stimuli.

My early childhood friend watched me throughout the trip, making me feel safe and seen. He was patient and helpful throughout. I was beyond grateful for him babysitting me. I perceived strong dad-energy in him, strolling and humming, carrying firewood to the sauna and grilling food under the rain.

I observed myself with Vipassana. There was shame, fear, love, curiosity, joy, amazement, sadness, vigilance, awe, admiration, trust, laughter, submission, loneliness.

I sat on the bedrock.

I heard the ambulance siren echoing. I felt empathy for the person inside the ambulance, nearing death probably. I was grateful for being alive. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that perhaps I was the one in the ambulance, merely imagining the beautiful view in front of me; calm sea, glaring sun, floating swans, humming forest, wet bedrock, the gust of wind.

Life and human mind is gentle, fragile, sensitive, delicate, and tender. Is death too?

—

Soon I became aware of how lonely and alone we are in the end with our feelings trapped in our bodies. This made me wholly cold and quiet with sadness.

And what can we do? A lot!

First, we can serve others, pray for others’ well-being, and to share one’s merits of equanimity through loving-kindness meditation. May all beings, animate and inanimate be happy, free from suffering.

Secondly, we can come closer to people by bravely trusting and sharing what goes inside us, to your loved one, to your good friends, to your therapist. It will be less lonely then. Just a bit more relatable and closer. We are and can be here for others, if we let go of our need to be separate and alone.

But this means that the other person needs to be able to be responsible and capable to care for your feelings. When your loved one cries and tells you that they are sad and lonely and perhaps depressed, you must give them space and hear them by being present and not say anything. Just be. This is enough. Give a hug. This will do wonders.

What is damaging is to neglect the other person’s feeling. They are trusting you. You break that trust when you ignore them by changing the subject, to try to make them feel better with solutions and trying to fix them, or to suggest to go to therapy. Oh boy! Wouldn’t that be enraging!

And yet, we also need to let go of our expectations that whoever is attempting to listen to you has the capacity to actually listen to us. They just may not be able and this is alright as well; let it be. This is a boundary to be respected by both. Understanding this requires situational awareness.

—

My friend grilled me meat and sausages.

I looked at the dead meat and then at the cute ant strolling, and back. One was dead, the other alive. I couldn’t bare to eat the meat.

Having experienced being alive, and respecting the well-being of all alive beings, I couldn’t eat it. We bought the meat together so it was on me. I have for long time battled with eating poultry and given myself exceptions, especially whenever I am abroad or on a hike. But after that experience, to be honest I don’t know if I can anymore.

Who is to say that animals do not share a consciousness and feelings therein?

The trip ended in peak childhood experience: Moomins.

The time was three in the morning. I couldn’t get sleep because of coffee and thoughts rolling my head. It is what it is. I took a leak at the forest, near the sea. As I did my business, I saw a big shadowy bird watching me, quietly and observantly. Isn’t this an archetypal, anime-like, cosmic symbol?

After I was done, I bowed, and we both acknowledged each others’ existence.

╭─────✦✧✦─────╮
│ ~ reality(?) ~ │
╰─────✦✧✦─────╯

The psilocybin experience can be quite spiritual. But I don’t think it has the capacity to make any lasting behavioural change. While I had feelings of unity, transcendence and deep emotional insight, these experiences faded quickly like a dream. This single experience is unlikely to change years of psychological conditioning and deeply ingrained habits.

Nowadays I follow a ‘Buddhist’ path as well as ‘Christian’ path, which leads, most likely, to the same sacred mountain peak. (This is merely an analogy; that is, the paths are not necessarily separate but likely overlapping.) I put them in apostrophes because I don’t like to identify myself as Buddhist or Christian. That label and identity brings about suffering, brings about the unnecessary and inevitable practise of and need to let go.

I meditate an hour in the morning and the evening to varying success, and follow the five precepts by Buddha. The precepts are: not killing, not stealing, not misusing sex, not engaging in false speech, and not indulging in intoxicants. Well, the precepts are not that hard to follow and not that unique to Buddhism.

But of the last point, I’ve stopped drinking alcohol, I don’t have a taste of marijuana, I’ve quit the regular morning coffee (caffeine), and I haven’t smoked tobacco anyway.

And I don’t plan on taking psilocybin in any time soon, if ever. Bruh, I dig raw reality too much duude!

I also explore the presence of God and Jesus Christ in His way, through Bible, Sunday church and the occasional prayer. I’ve had some extremely subtle encounters with God through prayer and meditation. Those experiences are, again, also something to be experienced rather than told.

In short, in one meditation, I as though prayed, said in my mind “I will submit to God”, three times. I don’t know what happened after that, but I wasn’t definitely here anymore. Half an hour went by as the experience was interrupted by the timer. I felt like I had teleported half an hour forward. Subsequently, all meditation experiences have had a flavour of immense patience and no heed for much time has elapsed. This happened before the trip.

—

To sum, the psilocybin experience has remained somewhat limited even if it provided a glimpse of what human consciousness has capacity for. Instead, the 10-day meditation retreats and therapy have changed my life for the better and happier in a more sustainable and safer way. They teach you the art of life. Having a supportive partner is also great.

One thing is for sure: the thoughts and attitudes you choose to nurture has a powerful impact on your well-being and behavior. This begins with intention. Tend to seeds of positivity, and life will slowly begin to bloom.